This thread is devoted to posting any jokes from online conversations (IRC) or any jokes that you happen to know. If it's short feel free to put in up to three.


<nick> ****ING HELL!!!!
<nick> I swear one day I'm just gonna go and hunt down every stupid ***** on earth and put them out of their misery...
<R4an0m> ?
<nick> Ok, theres this resteraunt just down the road from me where I eat every now and then.. other night I go in for dinner with my girlfriend. After drinking half a bottle of wine, my bowls begin to complain, so I head to the bathroom
<nick> I use the urinal and turn towards the sink and start to zip up at the same time when in walks this young girl of about 18, quite nice looking, and there I am with my dick still halfway out of my pants...
<nick> so I turn pretty damn fast in the other direction and zip up, then turn back expecting to find she'd dissapeared, only to discover that not only hadn't she left, she'd let the door shut and walked in a couple of steps towards me. Now I'm pretty embarrassed and point out to her that she had gone through the wrong door.
<nick> She tells me that no she didn't and then she ****ing reaches down and grabs my dick through my pants! I take a quick step backwards and ask her what the hell does she think she's doing (I mean **** what would happen if I wandered into the ladies and started feeling people up??).. she gets this disgusted look on her face and turns round, storms out the bathroom
<nick> Now I'm left standing there going "what the **** just happened??" for about a minute, then wash my hands and head back to the resteranut... only to be greeted by the young lady, the resteraunt manager and some 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide dude with "Security" written on his shirt. Alarm bells proceed to go off in my head, but I stay calm and ask what the problem is
<nick> the manager tells me the young lady (known from here on in as the *****) has complained about me sexually harassing her when she accidently walked into the wrong bathroom!
<nick> I resist the urge to walk over and punch her, and try to explain my version of what happened. At this point the ***** pipes up and calls me a "lying son of a *****" that was a "menace to society"
<nick> so I think "right I'll fix you" and turn to her and say "look you stupid *****, you came onto me, I turned you down, what kind of sad pathetic loser are you, that you have to hit on random guys in a bathroom anyway? Get over it, you lost, no need to get all *****y over it."
<nick> I figure now she'll either shut up or totally lose it and start screaming at me, but alas, I was mistaken about how ****ed I truely was. Instead of shutting up, she looked at me for a second then burst into tears, before turning to the manager and saying inbetween sobs....
<nick> ".....you're not going let him say that to me, are you daddy?"
<R4an0m> aahahahahahaa!!
<nick> so now Im sore from being thrown out the door by that bouncer, and I got a vist from the police this morning telling me I was being charged with sexual assault.. .

 

what do you get when you goose a ghost????

a hand full of sheet

 

Theres some good ones on goodtimes.

 

so this old man is walking through the mall and he starts to get a little tired so he decides to sit down and relax for a min. 10 minutes go by and he sees this kid walking by. the kid sees the old man and thinks to himself im gonna get the best of this old man. so the kid walks over to the old man and says " whats up old man? havent you ever seen hair like mine before?" the old man says " what are those different colored spikey things?" the kid says " YEAH!, are you blind?" the old man says " no, not at all, but i f*cked a parrot once and im thinking you could be my son"





some old man came into my work and told me that joke because i ahve spikey hair and he said i reminded him of that.

 

Where do generals put their armies? In there sleevies.

Why is it better to have a tree in the backyard then a dog?
cuz it's bark doesn't bother the neightbors.

 

Whats the difference between a truck load of babies and truck load of bowling *****?
-You can unload the babies with a pitchfork

(I swear im not racist, just thought this one is funny)
What do you call a barn full of black people?
-antique farming eqipment

 

<FoXeh> The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass
<FoXeh> Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
<FoXeh> Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
<FoXeh> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
<FoXeh> Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
<FoXeh> Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
<FoXeh> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

How many emo kids oes it take to screw in a light bulb?














NONE.

They all just sight in the dark and cry

 

^ thats ****ing comedy

 

what does and X box an micheal jockson have in common?



the both get turned on by little boys!



why does micheal jackson have a bad back??



he has to bend over to great all of his guests.





AH! America... only in America can a young black man grow up to be a rich white women.

 

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

 

Did you know they don't have any phonebooks in China?

Too many wings and wongs. You might WING the WONG number.

 

^ lmao, thats horrible

(WARNING) this joke may offend u if u have kids. keep scrolling if u dont wanna get mad.






So one day a girl went to her grandpa and asked him to show her a magic trick.

Girl: grandpa, grandpa. show me a magic trick plz.
Grandpa: Ok then. Come here and sit on my lap.
---the girl then sits on grandpa's lap----
Grandpa: Feel my finger up your butt?
Girl: uh huh (while nodding her head)
Grandpa: LOOK! NO HANDS!

 

friggin sirikool......u have offended me...

 

Descartes walks into a café and sits down ready to order. A
waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!




its a philosophy joke haha