All Jokes All the Time
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 230
From: LA
Originally posted by nycxjoey
The Wedding Test..
my girl friend and I have been dating for over a year and decided to
get married. our parents helped us in every way and our friends
encouraged us. my girlfriend is a dream,but there was only one thing
bothering me. that one thing was her younger sister. my prospective
sister-in -law was 20 years old, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut
tops. she would always bend down when near me and i got many a nice
view of her breast and panties. she only did this near me, i never saw
her do this near anyone else. one day little sister calls and asked me
to come over to check the wedding invitations. she was alone when I
arrived. she whispered to me that soon I was to be married and she had
feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not
really want to overcome. she told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
i was in total shock and could not say a word. she said, i'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me. I watched her go up the stairs. when she reached the
top she pulled down her panties and threw them down to me. I stood
there for a moment,then turned and went stright to the front door. I
pened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward
my car. my future father-in-law was standing outside. with tears in
his eyes, he hugged me and said, we are very happy that you passed our
little test. we could not have asked for a better man for our
daughter. welcome to the family. the moral of this story is.... always
keep your condoms in your car.
The Wedding Test..
my girl friend and I have been dating for over a year and decided to
get married. our parents helped us in every way and our friends
encouraged us. my girlfriend is a dream,but there was only one thing
bothering me. that one thing was her younger sister. my prospective
sister-in -law was 20 years old, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut
tops. she would always bend down when near me and i got many a nice
view of her breast and panties. she only did this near me, i never saw
her do this near anyone else. one day little sister calls and asked me
to come over to check the wedding invitations. she was alone when I
arrived. she whispered to me that soon I was to be married and she had
feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not
really want to overcome. she told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
i was in total shock and could not say a word. she said, i'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me. I watched her go up the stairs. when she reached the
top she pulled down her panties and threw them down to me. I stood
there for a moment,then turned and went stright to the front door. I
pened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward
my car. my future father-in-law was standing outside. with tears in
his eyes, he hugged me and said, we are very happy that you passed our
little test. we could not have asked for a better man for our
daughter. welcome to the family. the moral of this story is.... always
keep your condoms in your car.
hhaha, man, my friend posted this 1 time before and i thought what he was saying was true....but it was a joke tho...
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 125
From: Schenectady, NY, USA
So an expecting mother of triplets goes into a bank and it gets held up at gunpoint. The women is shot 3 times in the stomach hitting each child once. They make it to the hospoital and everything is okay. She gives birth to a boy and 2 girls all healthy. 13 years later the mother is sitting in the kitchen and her daughter comes running down yelling "mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" so the mother sits her down and tells her the story. A weeked later the 2nd daughter comes running to her mom yelling "mommy, i just peed out a bullet" so the mother tells her the story as well. 2 weeks later the son comes running to his mother saying "mom guess what happened!'' the mother says "let me guess you peed out a bullet." The son replies no, i was jerking off and shot the cat!
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 165
From: Winchester, Virginia
My friend told me this, I thought it was pretty funny:
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea." There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea." There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Contributing Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,550
From: Slidell, LA
Okay, so theres this kid named johnny, and for christmas he got a bike. So he goes out and rides it, and while he is out, he sees a cop on a horse. He stops and talks to the cop and the cop says "did santa bring you that bike" and johnny nods. The cop then says "thats too bad because i have to write you a citation for not having any reflectors." Now angry at the cop johnny thinks for a moment and then asks the cop "did santa bring you that horse?" Playing along the cop says yes and then johnny replies "well next time be sure santa puts the dick under the horse and not on top!"
****this whoring was brought to you by the association for post whoring! Teaching people how to ***** any thread possible!****
****this whoring was brought to you by the association for post whoring! Teaching people how to ***** any thread possible!****
Contributing Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,254
From: Chicago area
not really a joek but a good one for those you like to speed
How The Hell Do I Get Out Of This One?
>
>
>
>I'm in a decent relationship right now. It's been two months and there have been no really big arguments. She scratches my head nonstop, gives me awesome massages, and even brings me food when I'm too worn out from work to go anywhere.
>
>Since moving out on my own, she gave me even better advice on how to do my laundry than my grandmother did.
>
>Flashback:
>
>"Okay Justin, here's what grandma does.."
>
>She then bends over to separate the clothes, accidentally farts but doesn't notice it.
>
>"First, you do what my school did when I was a little one. You separate the whites from the colored."
>
>Thanks racist grandma.
>
>I don't get to see my girflriend too much because I work so many hours a week that it's almost impossible. That, mixed with her schedule, doesn't make for much time to see her. When I do find time to see her, I fly from work to her house going 90 in a 55 MPH zone.
>
>That being said, Monday I was speeding to her house from work. I was on a local highway and about 5 minutes from her house when the blue lights blinded my eyes from my rear-view mirror. Damn, I've just been pulled over.
>
>The officer walked up to my car, asked how I was doing, then the usual "license and registration, please". Nothing out of the ordinary.
>
>I carry a gun for my profession and still had it strapped to my side, so I showed him my work ID and gun permit BEFORE whipping out the gun and saying:
>
>"Here's my gun! I'm allowed to carry one!"
>
>Phew, won't do that one again.
>
>After looking over the permit, he eyeballed my crotch.
>
>"I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, sir. Keep your hands where I can see them."
>
>Either he's a gay cop, or he has a problem with the gun.
>
>I was asked to put my hands on the roof of the car. He pulled my 357 out of its holder.
>
>"I'm going to hold onto this while I run your license, if you don't mind. You can step back into the car."
>
>I got in and shut my door.
>
>"So, Mr. Justin, why were you driving so fast?"
>
>At this moment, my bull**** dispenser started cranking. I could afford another ticket, but would rather not deal with an increased insurance rate. I started spitting a line of total BS.
>
>"Well sir, my job doesn't allow me to see my fiance very much. Since this is the first time in forever that I'm going to see her, I'm rushing to her house to pop the question. I apologize for speeding, I'm just so excited to see the look on her face when I ask her to marry me."
>
>"Do you have a ring?"
>
>"No sir, can't afford one."
>
>"Ah, poor kid."
>
>"I know. Could you do me a favor and write me a ticket? I'd like to look back on this night and laugh about the time I was pulled over and given a ticket the night I was rushing to propose to my wife."
>
>The reason I asked him this is to make my story seem to check out. I'm calling his bluff, if you will.
>
>"Haha, you kids. I'll tell you what-- I'll do you one better. I'll escort you over there through traffic if you're in that much of a rush. Wouldn't that be more of a story?"
>
>Damnit. The guy's caught up in making a Kodak moment when all I want to do is get him off my back and eat tacos with my girlfriend... NOT propose. I've only known the girl for two months-- not exactly ready for the big commitment yet.
>
>"Yes sir, I do believe it would."
>
>After giving him her street name and address, he knew exactly where to go. ****. I got in my car and followed him as his siren rang out. Traffic pulled to the side, peopled yielded at red lights, and cars stopped-- all so I could have tacos with my girlfriend.
>
>After getting to her house, the officer stepped out of his car and knocked on her door. She opened it and stared at him, then me in a look of confusion.
>
>"Hi, I pulled this gentleman over a few minutes ago because he was in a rush to get over here so fast. Justin? Would you like to take it from here?"
>
>I looked at Courtney, then the officer, who wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I tried to take her inside, but the officer stood right there in the doorway to witness the event. The things I'd do to get out of a ticket.
>
>"Courtney... I know I've only known you a short time. But, in that short time <insert romantic bull****>... Will you marry me?"
>
>She wouldn't say yes. She's younger than I am and always talked about how she wanted to date a guy forever until making a commitment.
>
>''YES JUSTIN! I WILL MARRY YOU!"
>
>The officer smiled and clapped as Courtney clamped her arms around my body. The neighbors, who had been wondering why a cop car with its lights on was outside her house cheered.
>
>Courtney's parents called me and told me that they were proud that their daughter found such a nice guy.
>
>Me? Well I got out of a ticket.
>
>**** you. I'm engaged.
How The Hell Do I Get Out Of This One?
>
>
>
>I'm in a decent relationship right now. It's been two months and there have been no really big arguments. She scratches my head nonstop, gives me awesome massages, and even brings me food when I'm too worn out from work to go anywhere.
>
>Since moving out on my own, she gave me even better advice on how to do my laundry than my grandmother did.
>
>Flashback:
>
>"Okay Justin, here's what grandma does.."
>
>She then bends over to separate the clothes, accidentally farts but doesn't notice it.
>
>"First, you do what my school did when I was a little one. You separate the whites from the colored."
>
>Thanks racist grandma.
>
>I don't get to see my girflriend too much because I work so many hours a week that it's almost impossible. That, mixed with her schedule, doesn't make for much time to see her. When I do find time to see her, I fly from work to her house going 90 in a 55 MPH zone.
>
>That being said, Monday I was speeding to her house from work. I was on a local highway and about 5 minutes from her house when the blue lights blinded my eyes from my rear-view mirror. Damn, I've just been pulled over.
>
>The officer walked up to my car, asked how I was doing, then the usual "license and registration, please". Nothing out of the ordinary.
>
>I carry a gun for my profession and still had it strapped to my side, so I showed him my work ID and gun permit BEFORE whipping out the gun and saying:
>
>"Here's my gun! I'm allowed to carry one!"
>
>Phew, won't do that one again.
>
>After looking over the permit, he eyeballed my crotch.
>
>"I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, sir. Keep your hands where I can see them."
>
>Either he's a gay cop, or he has a problem with the gun.
>
>I was asked to put my hands on the roof of the car. He pulled my 357 out of its holder.
>
>"I'm going to hold onto this while I run your license, if you don't mind. You can step back into the car."
>
>I got in and shut my door.
>
>"So, Mr. Justin, why were you driving so fast?"
>
>At this moment, my bull**** dispenser started cranking. I could afford another ticket, but would rather not deal with an increased insurance rate. I started spitting a line of total BS.
>
>"Well sir, my job doesn't allow me to see my fiance very much. Since this is the first time in forever that I'm going to see her, I'm rushing to her house to pop the question. I apologize for speeding, I'm just so excited to see the look on her face when I ask her to marry me."
>
>"Do you have a ring?"
>
>"No sir, can't afford one."
>
>"Ah, poor kid."
>
>"I know. Could you do me a favor and write me a ticket? I'd like to look back on this night and laugh about the time I was pulled over and given a ticket the night I was rushing to propose to my wife."
>
>The reason I asked him this is to make my story seem to check out. I'm calling his bluff, if you will.
>
>"Haha, you kids. I'll tell you what-- I'll do you one better. I'll escort you over there through traffic if you're in that much of a rush. Wouldn't that be more of a story?"
>
>Damnit. The guy's caught up in making a Kodak moment when all I want to do is get him off my back and eat tacos with my girlfriend... NOT propose. I've only known the girl for two months-- not exactly ready for the big commitment yet.
>
>"Yes sir, I do believe it would."
>
>After giving him her street name and address, he knew exactly where to go. ****. I got in my car and followed him as his siren rang out. Traffic pulled to the side, peopled yielded at red lights, and cars stopped-- all so I could have tacos with my girlfriend.
>
>After getting to her house, the officer stepped out of his car and knocked on her door. She opened it and stared at him, then me in a look of confusion.
>
>"Hi, I pulled this gentleman over a few minutes ago because he was in a rush to get over here so fast. Justin? Would you like to take it from here?"
>
>I looked at Courtney, then the officer, who wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I tried to take her inside, but the officer stood right there in the doorway to witness the event. The things I'd do to get out of a ticket.
>
>"Courtney... I know I've only known you a short time. But, in that short time <insert romantic bull****>... Will you marry me?"
>
>She wouldn't say yes. She's younger than I am and always talked about how she wanted to date a guy forever until making a commitment.
>
>''YES JUSTIN! I WILL MARRY YOU!"
>
>The officer smiled and clapped as Courtney clamped her arms around my body. The neighbors, who had been wondering why a cop car with its lights on was outside her house cheered.
>
>Courtney's parents called me and told me that they were proud that their daughter found such a nice guy.
>
>Me? Well I got out of a ticket.
>
>**** you. I'm engaged.
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